Bat Scares Man, Chaos Ensues on Pa. Ave.

Well, folks, it’s just another banner night in Warren, Pennsylvania, where the streets of Pa. Ave. E apparently double as a circus ring. Last night, April 12, 2026, local resident John Musante turned a casual stroll into a full-blown slapstick routine (because why not?). Reports have it that a bat—yes, a literal bat—swooped down, prompting a scream so piercing it could’ve shattered glass, and sent Musante tumbling to the pavement like a sack of potatoes.

The Incident

Here’s where it gets good (or bad, depending on your tolerance for absurdity). As Musante flailed in his bat-induced panic, he managed to scrape his knees raw and, in a move that defies logic, claw at his companion Thomas Korchak’s backside. The result? Korchak needed stitches and a tetanus shot, allegedly due to Musante’s impressively unsanitary fingernails (a detail we all needed to know, naturally). Both men, reportedly sloshed beyond reason, turned a quiet evening into a medical emergency at Warren General Hospital.

Aftermath at the Hospital

The staff at Warren General must’ve thought they’d seen it all until this dynamic duo rolled in (because who hasn’t?). Musante’s knees were a mess of cuts, while Korchak’s unfortunate posterior injury required serious attention. Hospital sources suggest a certain level of exasperation among the night shift, with some staff reportedly exchanging looks that screamed, “What’s in the water in Warren, Pa.?” as they patched up the pair.

Local Reactions

Word on the street—or rather, Pa. Ave. E—is that passersby were less than shocked by the spectacle (because this is Warren, after all). Some onlookers couldn’t help but gawk as the two were carted off, first to the hospital and then to Warren City Jail, where they’re now cooling their heels awaiting trial. The general vibe among witnesses seems to be a weary shrug, as if drunken bat-related mishaps are just another Tuesday night in this town.

The Bigger Picture

So here we are, documenting yet another chapter in the ongoing saga of human folly (as if we needed more proof of gravity’s cruel sense of humor). Both Musante and Korchak face charges, presumably for public intoxication and whatever legal term covers ‘accidental butt-scratching with intent to infect.’ As for the rest of us, we’re left to wonder how many more bat-fueled disasters await on the mean streets of Warren. I, for one, am utterly exhausted by the thought.